confessions of a...

gas station attendant.

Sometimes us humans aren't very smart. We all have our blonde moments, some more than others. I haven't quite figured out which I think is worse: saying something stupid in front of total strangers or in front of your friends. It is funnier to me, however, to blog about complete strangers that made a fool of themselves in front of me.
These few examples come from folks mistaking product or company names, which left me clenching my mouth shut so I didn't burst out laughing.
A lady came in the other day and asked for "Pyramid Mint Lights"....what!? Assuming she wanted some kind of cigarette, I said, "Do you mean Parliament, not Pyramid?"
"No, Pyramid Mint Lights", she insisted.
I politely told her there was no such brand as Pyramid cigarettes and that cigarettes come only in regular and menthol, not mint. The whole time I was trying not to chortle.
She looked at me, a bit embarassed, and admitted they weren't for her and asked if she could see the package on the Parliament Menthol Lights.
+1 time the customer was not right.

Quite a while ago a woman came in and ordered "Caramel Lights"....again, what!?!
This one was a bit more obvious, she was ordering "Camel Lights", but apparently was letter-happy and added a few to her order.
I repeated, "Camel Lights?" to clarify and she looked at me angrily and said "What? No! Caramel Lights! The blue and white box! CARAMEL LIGHTS!" Okay okay. Crazy woman.
Caramel? Really? Wow.
+1 more time the customer was not right.

(And the best...)
A guy walked in the store and started looking around. I asked if he needed help finding anything. He said no, but looked very reluctant about his answer as he kept on his search. A bit later he walked up towards the counter and said "I'm looking for these snacks...and I think they are the Dolly Parton snacks. Yes yes yes! That's it, the Dolly Parton snacks."
I was puzzled. And flabbergasted. And this time I definitely let a laugh out.
He tried to explain to me what he was looking for, but I couldn't make out if it was a candy bar or what he was looking for, he just kept insisting that it was a Dolly Parton brand snack.
Finally, it clicked. He was looking for the Little Debbie snacks. I lost it. I was nearly in tears by the time he picked out what he wanted. The best part? He picked out Little Debbie Sno Balls....

You might think I'm lying. But I'm not.

Have a good day, come back soon. Don't let the embarrassing times get you down, we all do it.

confessions of a...

gas station attendant.

Sometimes I hear funny.

"Do you got llamas?"

I knew there was more than a grammatical error to this sentence, for it simply did not make sense! Who walks into a gas station and inquires about llamas!? Exactly. No one.
Well, it sounds like something the Martian Man would've done, but he hasn't been around for years. More about him another day.
Llamas become Mambas and make much more sense. The happy customer swipes 4 packages of Mambas with twinkling eyes of wonderment and joy.

confessions of a...

gas station attendant.

The other day a customer took the checkbook-balancing-at-the-counter trend a little too far. Yep. She pulled out a calculator. I looked at her in awe as I saw the clock flip to 5:30pm out of the corner of my eye. Other folks lined up behind her and waited impatiently as she punched away at her number-subtracting-machine. Ugh.


Tonight a little Korean man came in, as he does every week, to buy $40 in Powerball tickets for a pool he has with his coworkers. He's a funny fellow...often humming or whistling as I scan his lottery tickets, hoping for a winner. Occasionally he says something strange, but not weird strange, but the kind of strange where I find something hilarious that he said when he did not intend for it to be funny, and visa versa.
He walked in this evening and said, "Hi, you look like you could be your sister."
"My sister?", I said confused, "I don't have a sister."
"Well you look like you are your sister."
"Okay...."
"You don't have a sister?"
"Nope, I don't have a sister."
"Your brother?"
"I don't have a brother, and if I did I would surely hope that I wouldn't look like him!"
"No brother and no sister? Don't you want a sister?"
"No, I don't think I'd want a sister."
"Don't you want a brother?"
"No, I don't think I'd want a brother either."
"Well, what do you want then!?!?"
"......a husband", I said as I started chuckling.
He didn't get it, but I thought it was funny.

This summer there was a very attractive fellow from Queensland, Australia that was here playing fastpitch baseball or softball or some sport where he was a pitcher and threw a ball very fast. Anyhow, he was always very confused about our coins and would just throw them on the counter and ask me to help him count our "crazy looking money". It always throws me off when someone comes in and orders something with a thick foreign accent. It takes my brain a few seconds to realize that I need to pay closer attention because this guy was not asking for a lye turd, but he was saying "lie-tuh, lie-TUH! I need a lie-tuh." A what? Oh. Marry me. Thanks.

confessions of a...

gas station attendant.

Kids are hilarious. They say funny things that make us adults laugh, not because what they say is neccessarily funny, but the manner and context in which they say it, topped with the undeniable kid-innocence that we all had back in the day of Cabbage Patch Kids (my beloved Jobina Ruth!) and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wooden toys and metal playgrounds and walking to school uphill both ways barefoot in the snow...
Anyway, there are a lot of kids we know here by name...I have a silly habit of only asking the names of the awesome ones so my work life is full of awesome tiny friends.
Tonight 2 year old witty as all get out Liam came in with his dad and brother, Hayden (who is about 5), who Liam introduced to my mom and I. (My mom is the owner, for those of you who didn't know.) My mom misunderstood little Liam and thought Hayden's name was Caden (equally awesome name) and said "Hi Caden! Nice to meet you!"
Hayden replied, "Actually it's Hayden."
My mom apologized and gave a very motherly response of, "I'm sorry honey" as his dad chucked at how serious he was about correcting her. She carried on, "That's alright Hayden. Our name is the only thing that can't be taken away from us, so we have to be proud of the one we have."
Hayden proudly replied, "Yeah, except for Chad Johnson. He changed his last name to Ocho Cinco so he didn't want his old name, now his name is the same as his numbers. He's like 'hey everybody, call me Ocho Cinco it's Spanish for my number but now it's my name!' which is pretty weird."

His dad, my mom & I completely lost it! Between laughs I managed to say to Hayden, "You're completely right buddy!"

Man, I love little kids.

confessions of a...

gas station attendant.

I love messing with drunk people. It's probably one of my favorite parts of the late night, almost closed up, few straggler customers, finish up cleaning and get excited to go home time of night.
After a long conversation about the floor and pint vs. 12oz cans of beer, and how I actually did carve those pumpkins on the counter, and no, he can't poke the owls eyes out just to see what it's like...

Drunk dude: "So like what do you do? You hang out? When are we hanging out? So like you work and then you hang out huh?"
Me: "Yes. I work and I hang out."
Drunk dude: "So like hang out with your boyfriend? Or what? your boyfriend?"
Me: "Yes. With my boyfriend."
Drunk dude: "Dude you're breaking my heart. You gotta boyfriend?" (grabs his chest like he's in pain.)
Me: "Are you sure I'm breaking your heart? ...because that's your right boob."

 BAHAHA!

confessions of a...

gas station attendant.

There are times when I think that I've seen/heard/smelled/witnessed it all...but then I remember the exact reason why I have this blog - because I haven't. There's always something quirkier weirder funnier more stupid more dense more idiotic more gullible more jaw-dropping than I could ever imagine.

The other night while I was cleaning the men's bathroom, which is really a beloved chore of mineasdl;sadflkndsafoi....sorry about that, I was choking for a second... I noticed something in the bottom of the toilet. Usually it would've just been leftover poop that didn't get flushed or something else equally nasty, but this time it was shiny. What on earth, I thought to myself as I continued scrubbing along.
Suddenly, I saw it. It was a quarter. A million questions started racing through my head. How did it get there? Did someone poop that out? How long as it been there? Did it just fall out of someone's pocket? Why is it so shiny? Did that seriously come out of someone's butt? Why are men so freaking creepy? What the hell? Why why why why why is there a quarter in the bottom of the toilet?

I'm still confused. And a little baffled. And maybe slightly impressed. Maybe. But definitely, definitely confused.

confessions of a...

gas station attendant.

I'm not really sure why you do it. There's not any reason for you to do it here, right in front of me, a line of people behind you. Tapping fingers on the counter to help your subtractions. 'Tis a silly thing. Please avoid this when you are in my line. I know it's exciting, but I promise promise promise it can wait. I may even be looking at you menacingly, but you still carry on with your number-moving. I suppose I may applaud your dedication as people behind you begin to shuffle and I even motion for you to slide over a bit so I can help the next person, but no, oh no, you carry on.
Why do you insist on balancing your checkbook at my counter?

So what if my applause was a slow clap? (and only in my head.) 


Thank you, come again soon.